You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
