Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
