I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
