I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
