I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
