so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
