Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
