remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
