Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
