Are we in a gay sports bar?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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