PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
