Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
