where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
