trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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