Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
