i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
