im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
