Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
