I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
