Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
