Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
