i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
