Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
