i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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