My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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