I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
