ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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