Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
