Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
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