Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
