She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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