The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
