I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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