The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
