Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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