Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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