Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
