the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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