see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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