How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
