I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
don't judge my taste in strippers
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
