I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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