If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
What a dumb baby whore.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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