Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
