my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
