Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
