As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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