well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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