Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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