The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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