just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
