I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
